The Scientific Notes of Sirius Black
by AmazinglyMe
Summary: Experiment: See how long it will take Lily to chuck her goblet of pumpkin juice at James... Sirius Black records the misadventures of Lily and James for posterity, Lupin watches in disbelief, and Lily seethes. [COMPLETE]
1. One

_A/N: I know I should be working on other things. I know it. But I couldn't resist this. I really couldn't. I had to try a Marauder era fic. It may be updated sporadically until my other obligations are taken care of, but I had to put this out here and see if people thought it merited continuation. _

_

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Excerpt From the Scientific Notes of Sirius Black Regarding the Interactions of His Best Friend and His Best Friend's "Soul Mate" …_

_October 9th_

Experiment: See how long it will take Lily to chuck her goblet of pumpkin juice at James, who is currently sitting on the bench right next to her and going, "Evans, go out with me" over and over again. Merlin he's lacking in originality.

Hypothesis: Lily will crack in under two minutes.

Reason For Prediction: That eye twitch she's got is pretty much a dead give away.

…

Results of Experiment: Lily did indeed throw her goblet of pumpkin juice at James, and it only took her precisely 56 seconds. Luckily for James he was ready with his wand and deflected the goblet. Unluckily for James, it ricocheted back and hit Evans in the face. She proceeded to scold and threaten him within an inch of his life, insult him for two minutes straight, and then storm out of the Great Hall, with her friends in a gaggle around her for "moral support."

Merlin this is hilarious.

_Padfoot, you don't know it took her "precisely 56 seconds." _

Do so Moony, I counted.

_You counted? And how did you count, may I ask? _

The way **everybody** counts! One Grindylow, Two Grindylows, Three Grindylows…

_You're deranged and utterly hopeless Padfoot._

Why **thank **you!

_Excerpt From James Potter's Notes Regarding Success and/or Failure of Attempts to Trick, Charm, Persuade, or Force Evans into Going out With Him_

_October 10th_

Well, I had a bit of a mishap yesterday in the Great Hall involving Evans and a goblet full of pumpkin juice. Suffice it to say, I think I'm on her bad side for the moment.

**Aw, don't delude yourself Prongsy…You're always on her bad side!**

Shuddup and go away Padfoot.

**Hmph. Fine. **

As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted --

**You know, that would make a really good philosophical question. Can you really be interrupted on paper? One of those "If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it" things. **

Yes you can be interrupted on paper Padfoot. It seems to be yet another skill you've mastered.

**Impressive aren't I? **

No!

Exactly what went wrong with my attempt to ask Evans out I'm not sure, but I can safely say that it did not end well. I will have to review the situation (and perhaps get better at my Deflection Charm) before I decide on a renewed and differed course of action for tomorrow morning.

**I'll tell you what went wrong Prongs -- **

Shut up.

**Can a person shut up on paper? I mean, really, I'm not making any noise…**

Shut up and go away!

**You were lacking in originality Prongs, that was your problem. Same tired old schtick, no alterations… You've got to try something new…**

Padfoot!

**You know, that eye twitch of yours is quite a bit like Lily's…**

Go…away…Now! Or I will personally ensure that you will not be able to get the ink out of your hair for days. Days Padfoot…

**Alright, alright. Jeez, take it easy… **

_Excerpt From the Scientific Notes of Sirius Black…_

_October 11th_

Situation: James Potter is eying Lily Evans from his position at the Gryffindor House Table. He seems to be very tense.

Hypothesis: He is about to either burst out with a confession of his undying love for her (which wouldn't be a first) or internally combust. I can't decide with. Same old, same old…

Reason For Prediction: James never changes his routine with Lily. Honestly.

…

Results: Merlin!

It seems James took my advice to heart. He certainly departed from his usual routine. This is hilarious. **Hilarious**! I'm going to die laughing…Merlin!

…

Alright. Alright. This is supposed to be "scientific." So I'll just record what happened for posterity shall I?

I was sitting here at the table watching James watching Lily. Suddenly, an owl swooped down towards Lily. I believe it was a barn owl, though I don't particularly care.

It dropped a small package at the table in front of Lily. She opened it, clearly not suspecting anything. And then why should she, poor girl. Sigh…Another innocent, the victim of the hilarity of the marauders.

When she opened it, a garish, bright yellow flower dropped it. It wasn't any kind of flower I recognize (and I recognize an enormous range: dandelions to dandelions. Flower…ology is just so fascinating). She inspected it with a look of slight disgust on her face, trying, I suppose, to find out who it came from.

That was when it started singing.

It sang in a penetratingly loud (and terrible) voice. It sounded rather like Wormtail, in rat form, with a chorus of all his little rat friends, all of them being tickled to death, and trying to sing.

It sang about how beautiful Lily was, and how exceedingly amazing. I believe it rhymed the words Lily and filly. I was actually doubled over laughing at the time.

You should have seen Lily's face. It was a strange combination of mortification, fury, and the wish to die a swift and painless death so as not to have to actually deal with the consequences of having a neon yellow flower sing to you at breakfast in front of the entire population of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

**Merlin**…

I can't stop laughing!

_Padfoot your best friend just did something to completely humiliate his crush and thereby himself, in the process showing that he had no social skills whatsoever. And you're laughing?_

**Why yes I am Moony. And actually, what's really wrong with James is that he has a pathological need for attention when it comes to Evans, and thinks that if he's so popular with everyone else in the school because he's ridiculous and hilariously over the top, he thinks it'll make him popular with her too. **

_Did you just say something rational and intelligent? _

**Nope.**

_I thought not. _

…

_Alright, so it was rather funny. _

_Excerpt From James Potter's Notes…_

_October 11th_

Hmm… I think perhaps I made a slight miscalculation. Last time I follow Padfoot's advice.

**That's what you said when I told you that you could get off using your Herbology essay in Astronomy if you made a few changes here and there. And yet, here we are. **

Go away.

**Look, the thing about Lily is that you're going about it all wrong. **

I took your advice on the subject once and I'm certainly not going to take it again. Go away. I have to make my notes.

As I was saying, I think I made a slight miscalculation.

I charmed a flower into singing for her and it seems to have rather embarrassed her. It worked on my _last_ girlfriend.

Of course, Lily's rather different. Actually, she's different from just about every girl I've ever dated. She has the most amazing eyes…

**Are you getting all mushy again? **

No! Go away!

**Prongs, Prongs, Prongs…**

Aw, shut up.

…

And _don't_ say anything about trees falling in forests and not squishing squirrels or whatever it was.

_Squishing squirrels? _

**Hello Moony! I believe Prongs means trees not making sounds, but he's a bit distraught. **

_Ah, I see. Poor Prongs. _

I don't need you making things worse.

_I'm not making things worse. I'm just…contributing to the discussion. _

I give up.

**Finally! Let's go dunk some Slytherins in the lake okay?**

_Sirius…_

**Come on Moony you know it's hilarious…**

Yeah, it is. Let's go Padfoot.

_Merlin I give up too. _

**You're a stick in the mud Moony. Come on Prongs. **

_Oh…_

"Prongs, Padfoot, wait for me alright!"

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_A/N: Any good? Please let me know. Tell me what you thought of it. :)_  



	2. Two

_A/N: I couldn't resist. I had to at least try to continue. So here it is, the next installment. Please read away and then let me know what you thought!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. _

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Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes…_

_October 15th_

Situation: Lily Evans has not spoken to James Potter for the past four days since what has become widely known as "The Flower Incident" (to be said in dramatic tones) occurred. In fact, ever since said Incident, Lily has become exceedingly red in the face whenever she spots James, out of either anger or humiliation, and pointedly skirted around him, surrounded by a gaggle of friends. Glares aside, she has made no contact with James.

We are now in Herbology, where the leafy foliage of the various deadly plants provides ample cover for a nice yell.

Experiment: See how long it will take before Lily either…

a) explodes in a furious tirade against James

Or

b) screams something along the lines of "Leave me alone!" in sheer frustration, as he takes every opportunity to yell "heartfelt" apologies at her in the corridors and write her sonnets which he then folds into paper airplanes and shoots at her during History of Magic class.

Hypothesis: Lily will do either a or b within the next ten minutes.

Reason for Hypothesis: It's that eye twitch thing. I swear she should see Madam Pomfrey about that.

…

Results: Well, well, well.

Yet another thing that proves I am consistently right in everything I do and say.

Within six minutes of my hypothesis, Lily spotted something that triggered her wrath.

Namely, a suspiciously familiar yellow flower.

I, personally, am at a loss to see how no one noticed it before. It's so bright and so…well, bright, that it seems like it would be impossible to avoid. Its like a travesty against the human eye. You would think that upon entering the greenhouse, your head would snap to it and you, riveted by the sight of such a blinding and ugly spectacle, would be simply unable to look away. . .

But I digress.

Point is, Lily spotted this flower. Her face contorted into a _really_ scary look. It was like a hippogriff after its gone to eat some nice dead rats only to find that they're vegan rats and have the disgusting flavor of…I dunno, broccoli or something.

Lily plucked one of the flowers from the tree. She shook the flower at James. She opened her mouth. To her credit, she actually got as far as "James Potter if you --" before the flower exploded.

…

I know. It's **hilarious**.

There was horrendously bright, yellow, flower goop everywhere. Lily, face covered in the stuff, stood simply staring at what was left of the flower. Then, slowly, she turned to James.

Suffice to say what followed was hardly pretty.

In fact, it consisted what I can only call several earsplitting bellows, a few threats, and the promise to ensure that James was never allowed into a greenhouse again, for the rest of his remaining year here at Hogwarts.

Lucky.

No more Herbology classes means no more Herbology homework.

_Padfoot, this could really be serious. Prongs snuck a plant out of the greenhouse. That could mean punishment. _

Remind me again what Prongs has done in his school career that didn't mean punishment Moony?

…

_Um…_

_Never mind. _

Ah, yet another instance that proves that I, Sirius Black, am always correct.

…

_Padfoot, your Astronomy homework said that the third planet from the sun was Hotdoggia, the, and I quote, "wonderful world full of delusional white mice and the hotdogs they love." _

And your point is?

_Spending to much time with you has rendered me devoid of one. I'm going to go lie down. _

Good plan Moony. Good plan.

* * *

_Excerpt From James Potter's Notes…_

_October 15th_

Oops.

Suffice it to say that I forgot, when taking the lovely flower I sent to Lily for a brief and liberating stroll the other night, that we would be working in the same greenhouse I, er, liberated it from this week.

**Prongsy, I can't believe your misguided love for Evans has made you incapable of pulling off a proper prank. **

…

**Ooh, and alliteration! Can you say that five times fast Prongs?**

Pulling off a proper prank, pulling off a proper prank, pulling off a proper --

Padfoot, go away.

**Padfoot pulling off a proper prank! Prongs, you're a genius. Ooh, wait. Padfoot and Prongs pulling off a proper prank! Or better yet --**

Go ramble on your own paper, okay? I'm wallowing in my misery.

_Ah, the busy schedule of James Potter. _

Not you too!

_Actually I came to tell you that you ought to be more careful where you get your plants Prongs. Couldn't you have sent away in a mail order catalogue or something? _

Gifts mean more when you work for them Moony.

_You mean it was more fun for you to "liberate" it. _

Brilliant deduction now would everyone please go away?

Ooh, what's going on?

Nothing Wormtail. Absolutely nothing. Moony, take Wormtail with you and leave!

Aww, but I just got here!

_C'mon Wormtail, let's allow James to sulk and mope like a toddler by himself. _

Thank you! Hey hang on a second --

* * *

_Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes…_

_October 16th_

Situation: James has only succeeded in making Lily further peeved, as those of you who are dutifully reading this scientific journal will know. Take notes! There may be a test at the end.

Er, where was I?

Oh, yes…

Situation: To vent his frustration, and just for kicks, James Potter is dangling Severus Snape upside down. I hate to admit it but, entertaining though it is, its getting kind of old. Perhaps an addition to this routine would be wise…Wait for it…wait for it…

Hypothesis: James will, using the brilliant Marauder touch, pull a fantastic modification to this tired old prank out of the bag! (still waiting…still waiting…)

Reason for Hypothesis: Working together Prongs, Moony, Wormtail and I have performed precisely 683 original pranks on the inhabitants of Hogwarts…why stop now? (still…waiting…)

Results: Yes! I knew good old Prongsy wouldn't let me down!

Just as I was about to give up hope, just when I thought that Prongs had finally given in to the horror that is "love" and allowed his misery over Evans to get the better of him (the horror!) Snape began to tap-dance.

That's right.

Tap dance.

In fact, he turned out to be quite a good tap dancer. And what with the appreciative students clapping in time to the beat and James' artistic directing of an invisible orchestra, it was quite the performance. But let me put a word in here: If I ever tap danced, not that I ever have, I would be better than Snape on principle. I'm better than Snape at everything.

Thank you for your time.

_You know you two are going to get expelled before you ever complete your seventh year don't you Padfoot? _

Well it's not like he actually got caught or anything Moony! Lighten up.

_Oh no. Nor is it **at all**, even **remotely** likely that **anyone** would even **consider** leaking the story of Snape's sudden tap dancing prowess to McGonagall._

_The sarcasm there just went right over your head didn't it? _

Absolutely.

_It's good to know where I stand._

_

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A/N: As usual, please let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading. _


	3. Three

_A/N: Yes, it's true. I appear to have finally updated this story. It took me long enough. I've been extremely, busy and extremely lazy, often at the same time. This is the only excuse I have. Sorry everybody! I hope this chapter helps make up for it. I'm pretty sure it's the longest one I've ever written for this story (not that that takes much). :) _

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Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes..._

October 29th

Situation: It would appear that Moony was right.

I want it on the record that it only happened once.

Dear old Prongsy has detention for making Snivvelus tap dance. Naturally he's being a true marauder and says it was worth it. He doesn't appear to think it was worth making Evans absolutely furious.

I think it was.

So. Situation. James has detention with Professor Slughorn sorting out Potions ingredients every Saturday from 10:00 - 12:00 for a month. Personally I think it would be a worse punishment just to listen to the blowhard go on and on, but I digress.

Hypothesis: James will not be in detention this Saturday from 10:00 - 12:00.

Reason for Hypothesis: There is no way McGonagall's going to let James languish in detention and watch Gryffindor lose so early in the Quidditch season. Old McGonagall is far scarier than Sluggy any day. Mark my words, Prongsy will be making up his detention some other time.

Results: To be filled in after James emerges from McGonagall's classroom, where she's having a "little talk" with him.

_Padfoot, are you saying that Professor McGonagall would get James out of a detention just so he could play Quidditch? _

Yes.

_She wouldn't do that!_

Moony, Moony, Moony. Just watch. My intuition about character is never wrong.

_Oh? How about the time when you thought that man on the train was an overgrown Mandrake wearing a toupee and he turned out to be the new Herbology teacher? _

Moony, was I so very far from the truth?

_No comment._

I rest my case. Ooh! Here comes James!

Results: Ha! James will indeed be playing for The House Team Who Is Destined to Win the Quidditch Cup otherwise known as Gryffindor, this Saturday.

_What? McGonagall let you out of detention? Prongs I don't believe it! _

Ooh. Do you suppose she'd let me out too Padfoot?

Are you a key player on the Gryffindor Quidditch team Wormtail?

Huh?

_That means no Wormtail. Prongs I still can't believe she let you out. _

**It must have been my rogueish charm. **

_I notice your rogueish charm doesn't work on a certain Miss. Lily Evans. _

**Shut up Moony. **

_Excerpt From James Potter's Notes..._

October 29th

Evans is still mad at me about the Flower Incident. And the tap-dancing bit. I don't see how she found out about the tap-dancing.

**Prongs the whole school knows about it. The dance has a name. In fact, people have been doing various renditions of it. It has a cult following. People are writing music to it. It's famous. **

_It's infamous Padfoot, it's infamous. _

**Infamous, famous... Only a two-letter difference. **

Will you both go away? I'm trying to take notes.

_Now if you occasionally did that in History of Magic..._

**Moony if Prongs took notes in History of Magic it would be a sign of the imminent apocalypse. People would run screaming from the classroom.**

_Funny. I thought that was what would happen if you took notes in History of Magic Padfoot. _

**No, no, no. There's on crucial difference. If I took notes in History of Magic people would first bow down to me in acknowledgement of how amazing I am. Then they would run screaming from the classroom. **

_Well at least the world would end before you both failed your exams horribly. _

The world's going to end? Since when?

**No Wormtail, the world isn't going to end. Moony is just exercising his scintillating wit at our expense. **

_Was that sarcasm Padfoot?_

**No-o. **

_Was that?_

**Of course not. **

_Was tha- Never mind. Even if you're not going to do your Transfiguration essay, I am. _

**I think I'll come along and try to bother you by looking over your shoulder and writing down everything you write down. **

I'll help if you'll tell me what he writes down.

**Deal Wormtail. Come on.**

_I'm really going to turn you two in someday. _

**Sure you are.**

_Was that sarca-. Oh just come on. I'll help you write the stupid essay. _

Thank you! Everybody just leave me in peace and quiet.

Wait.

There's a Transfiguration essay?

_Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes..._

October 31st

Situation: It's Halloween. That has absolutely nothing to do with the situation, just thought I'd mention it.

Ahem. Situation: It's time to turn in the famous, soon to be infamous (oh wouldn't Moony be proud) Transfiguration essay, and Prongs doesn't have his done. Why? You may well ask. Mostly because he spent the entire afternoon taking notes about his success or failure in "wooing" Lily instead of getting help from Moony.

Hypothesis: He's going to get a bunch more detentions, which, conveniently enough, won't take place during Quidditch games. I never thought I'd say this, but he's lucky he's dealing with McGonagall.

Reason for Hypothesis: McGonagall's rather obsessed with keeping that Quidditch Cup in her office and everybody knows it's James' that's helped keep it there for the past six years.

Results: I'm right. Again. You know, I may just have to be wrong on purpose one of these days, just to shake things up.

_As if things need to be shaken up any more around here. _

Ah, Moony. Note I used the word "infamous" in my scientific notes.

_These notes are not scientific Padfoot!_

You're just trying to avoid noting that I used the word "infamous."

_You started this "entry" with "Situation: It's Halloween. That has absolutely nothing to do with the situation, just thought I'd mention it." How is that scientific? _

I was carefully noting all the details of the situation.

_Sometimes I wonder why I bother. _

It's alright Moony. Sometimes I do too.

Excerpt From James Potter's Notes...

November 3rd

What I need is a strategy. A scheme. A fantastically clever way to win Evans' heart. I need a... P.L.A.N. A Persistent, Lovely, Amazing, Non-Offensive...Idea. A P.L.A.N.

_You mean a P.L.A.N.I. _

But Moony, that ruins the clever acronym.

_Prongs..._

**He's right. Clever acronyms are everything when it comes to a girl. Like with that Ravenclaw girl I dated last year. Smile And Laugh And Make All Non-Crazy Darlings Enthusiastically Rave and Swoon. **

_S.A.L.A.M.A.N.D.E.R.S.? _

**Yep. **

_Well this is obviously why I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have a "clever acronym." _

You need a clever acronym to get a girl? Now what am I supposed to do?

**Come up with a clever acronym, obviously Wormtail. **

_How about Buffoons Yell Enthusiastically? _

**Huh?**

_B.Y.E. _

**Poor bloke. Doesn't have my acronym inventing skills. **

S.A.L.A.M.A.N.D.E.R.S. huh Padfoot?

**That's right Prongsy. S.A.L.A.M.A.N.D.E.R.S.**

**

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**_A/N: Please let me know what you thought!_**  
**


	4. Four

_A/N: Well, here it is. I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry. School's been a little crazy. Anyway, please read and let me know what you think!   
_

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_Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes..._

November 5th

Situation: Nothing. That's the problem. It's a Saturday, so James is in detention with Slughorn. Moony is doing his homework. I know, I know. Gasp! On a Saturday? Sacrilege! Please note that I used the word sacrilege. I need to stop actually listening when Moony talks. His big words are rubbing off on me. Now. Where was I? I must think of something scientific to say before this _highly_ scientific journal becomes (shock! horror!) a regular old, boring, hum-drum journal.

_Something scientific to say? Padfoot you never say anything scientific in this journal. _

Are you suggesting that my journal is regular? Old? Boring? Or, worst of all...Hum-drum?

_Hum-drum?_

Avoiding the question! You do think my scientific journal is regular, boring, and hum-drum!

_There are a lot of things I could call this journal Padfoot. But boring is not one of them. As for hum-drum, I still can't believe you're using it. _

Shut up Moony. I also used sacrilege. Hey! That was your fault. Stop talking to me! This is all a conspiracy to force large and odd-sounding words into my vocabulary. Begone foul conspirator!

_Before I go I must point out that you used the word conspirator. _

Go!

* * *

_Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes..._

November 8th

Situation: Still. Nothing. If I didn't know any better I'd say James had given up. Run out of ideas. Tossed in the towel. Kicked the bucket.

"_Kicked the bucket" means died Padfoot._

Same difference Moony.

_You don't suppose James really has given up? _

Given up what?

What do you think Wormtail?

Lily?

Correct. Tell him what he's won Moony!

_I'm sorry Padfoot. The vision of you as a gameshow host has temporarily stunned me into silence. _

He hasn't given up has he? 

Of course not Wormtail! Never say die! Never say kick the bucket! That's the Marauder motto.

I thought it was "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

That wasn't the point Wormtail. The point is the James hasn't given up.

I hope not.

_For goodness sakes you two, why not? Wouldn't life be a little easier for all involved if Prongs just stopped chasing Lily? It's been six years. I don't see why he shouldn't just stop. It would show some maturity for once. _

Aw Moony, come on. Life just wouldn't be the same without the occasional bright yellow, singing flower at breakfast.

Yeah, things just wouldn't feel right of Prongs stopped chasing Lily.

_I suppose you may be right. May. _

Besides, maturity? Who are you kidding?

* * *

_Excerpt From Sirius Black's Notes_

November 11th

Situation: Prongs is back on form, and is even now breaking a record string of 5 and 3/4 entire days gone without saying a word to Evans about anything remotely related to a date. I knew it couldn't last. He is, even at this moment, sitting next to her at the Gryffindor table and listing her virtues (as well as quite a few of his for good measure). She is getting steadily redder and redder.

Hypothesis: She's going to crack. She will probably do something completely unprecedented and highly amusing.

Reason for Hypothesis: The twitch has moved from her eyebrow to a vein in her forehead. It's slightly alarming, but rather funny.

Oh Merlin's beard. Oh Godric Gryffindor. Oh for the love of all things good and chocolate.

Even I did not see this coming. I couldn't have. It would have been impossible to foresee that Lily would ever do such a thing. It is an event that never should have even entered the realm of possibility, let alone actually occurred.

And now, after that well orchestrated suspenseful build-up (go me!), I'll actually tell you what happened.

Results: After precisely 3 and 7/8 minutes of James' monologue, Lily rather clearly couldn't take it anymore. James had just inquired, for the sixth time in the aforementioned time span if Evans would go out with him. She took a deep breath and screamed, "Potter the only way I'd go out with you is if you'd deflate your enormous, ugly, head!" And then in what was clearly a moment of pure fury she whipped out her wand, muttered something under her breath, and shrieked, "Engorgio!" Her wand was pointed at James' head.

The ultimate result of all this is that James Potter's head has grown to at least three times it's normal size. I only barely managed to stop laughing long enough to write this entry.

Of course, Moony will shrink his head back down and everything will be fine.

But it's certainly hilarious as long as it lasts.

_Padfoot his head is enormous! It's not funny, it's -- Oh never mind, it's hilarious. _

I'll say!

**Will you three stop laughing at my inflated head and come help me take the charm off? It's proving a bit resistant. **

* * *

_Excerpt From James Potter's Notes..._

November 12th

It doesn't come off.

It's clearly something a bit stronger then the usual Engorgement Charm, because I've tried everything, and so has Moony, and even he can't figure out how to get it off. I can only take solace in the fact Lily being able to make such a resilient Engorgement Charm proves how amazingly clever she is.

But it won't come off!

None of the usual counter-charms work, and neither does pricking my head with a pin (thank you Padfoot). In fact, I had to go to my detention this way. Lily is Slughorn's favorite student of course (good taste that man) so he thought it was all quite jolly. Humph.

**I still can't believe it won't come off! Prongs this is better entertainment then I've had in weeks! This is better then the bright yellow flower goop! Better then Snape tap-dancing! Better then that time we put itching powder in McGonagall's hat! **

Better then the hat Padfoot?

**Alright Prongs, maybe not better then the hat. But it's close. **

_Padfoot this is getting serious. James can't spend the rest of his life like this!_

**I don't see why not. I think it suits him. **

His head is fun to poke. It sort of wobbles on his neck. Like one of those Muggle bobbleheads.

Stop poking my head Wormtail. It may be engorged but it's still infinitely valuable.

**My head's more valuable then yours. **

Would you shut up and help me figure out how to deflate my head?

**Heehee. Now there's a sentence you don't hear often. And anyway Prongs, we've tried everything. We've asked all the kids, and Moony's tried all kinds of charms. **

And all the teachers think it's funny, so they aren't going to be any help.

There's one thing we haven't tried.

**No...**

You don't mean...

We have to do something!

**Correction. You have to do something. I can stay safely up here in the Common Room. And I'd advise you to do the same, swollen head or no.**

I'm going.

**Noooooo!**

_Would you stop making this so dramatic Sirius? Honestly, I think he's got the right idea. I'll go as well. _

**Well you're some kind of freakish exception Moony. That place doesn't harm you. But James may shrivel up. You've got to adjust to it gradually Prongs! Try actually opening a book first and then go to... that place. **

_Can't you even say the name? _

**No!**

_Come on. I'll help you. Li--_

**Stop it!**

_Library!_

**It burns! It burns!**

Come on Padfoot. They might have a book on how to deflate my head. Or on extra-strength Engorgement Charms.

**Argh! Prongs, now you're sounding rational. It's getting to you already! **

_If you don't come, I'll tell Madam Pince that you're her secretly madly in love with her. _

**Moony! You wouldn't! **

_Oh yes I would._

**I'm coming! I'm coming!  
**

* * *

_A/N: Well, that was it. Please let me know what you thought of it. And again, I apologize for the time between updates! _


	5. Five

_A/N: Ooh! Ooh! Third to last chapter. Heehee. I hope you like it. I know it's a bit short.   
_

* * *

_From The Scientific Notes of Sirius Black..._

November 15th

Situation: I have now gone to the library three days in a row for a minimum of an hour every day, all because Prongs wants his head back to normal. I don't see why. I'm sure it's quite the conversation starter the way it is now.

Hypothesis: My head is going to explode.

Reason For Hypothesis: Everyone knows that if The Singular Most Handsome Seventeen Year Old Boy That Ever Lived (read: me) spends to much time in The Place Which I Cannot Mention By Name (read: the library) his head will explode!

And so here I sit in the library, watching Prongs slog through another boring and useless tome (tome! I have to stop speaking to Moony) waiting for my head to explode. Oh! the tragedy of it all.

_Padfoot your head is not going to explode from spending a little time in the library. _

Moony! I'm shocked at your complete denial. Perhaps it's simply to tragic for you to take in. My. Head. Is. Going. To. Explode.

_I think a little time in the library might do you some good Padfoot. _

Good? This is going to do me good _and_ make my head explode? It's like a triple threat!

_Except that there's only two "threats." _

Minor details Moony, minor details.

Results: Well, my head has not exploded. Yet.

_Thank goodness that catastrophe was averted. _

Moony, two things. First of all, stop mocking The Singular Most Handsome Seventeen Year Old Boy That Ever Lived, and second, if you must mock him, do not do it with such ridiculous and large words. It's a conspiracy! A conspiracy I tell you!

_One of us needs to lie down. I can't tell who needs the rest more, the one with delusions of grandeur, or me. _

Are you trying to imply that I have delusions of grandeur? Do not insult The Singular Most Handsome Seventeen Year Old Boy That Ever Lived in such a manner!

_Yep, that's it. I need to go lie down. _

Fine. But if you hear a small explosion from the direction of the library later, be so kind as to come and pick up the scattered pieces of my head.

_Excerpt From James Potter's Notes..._

November 17th

Well, that's it. I'm doomed. Doomed to spend the rest of my life with a head swelled to three times its normal size. I've spent at the very least six hours for the past five days in the library, with Moony helping me and Padfoot and Wormtail sitting around making useless comments, and I've gotten nowhere. Nothing about how to deflate my head. Nothing about extra-strength Engorgement Charms. **Nothing. **

Hey, Prongs, I resent that! Our comments where not useless!

Wormtail, the first thing you said at the end of six hours of research was, "Well at least now you know how to pickle Crumple Horned Snorcack horns."

So?

_Wormtail the book he was reading was called, "Pins and Their Many Uses." _

I still don't see why my comment was useless Moony.

Wormtail, I didn't even learn how to pickle a Crumple Horned Snorcack Horn.

Obviously you should of. 

**I concur, in the interests of disorder, quills becoming airborne, shouting, and/or writing in all caps. **

PADFOOT YOU IDIOT, SHUT UP!

**Ah. I love the smell of mayhem in the morning. **

So, Snorcack Horns aside, what are you going to do about your head Prongs?

I have no idea.

**Gasp! That those words should come from the mouth of a Marauder. Horror! Infinite horror! **

_The scariest part of all this Padfoot, is that I can't tell if you're serious or joking. _

_Excerpt From The Notes of The Singular Most Handsome Seventeen Year Old Boy That Ever Lived_

November 19th

Situation: James has come down for breakfast for the seventh day in a row with his head three times its normal size.

Hypothesis: Evans is about to approach him. She might come within a ten foot radius of him. It is within the realm of possibility that she might actually talk to him!

Reason For Hypothesis: Instead of twitching, she looks almost like she pities the poor sod. Dear, dear. Going soft Miss. Evans?

_Results: Ahem. This is Mr. Moony, writing for Mr. Padfoot, as Mr. Padfoot is doing a dance of glee with Mr. Prongs and Mr. Wormtail as Ms. Evans watches. She may be in shock. _

_The fact is that a completely unprecedented thing has just happened. That is to say, Mr. Prongs asked Ms. Evans to go out on a date and she did not respond with no, no way, absolutely not, never, in your dreams, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole, I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth, are you insane, get away from me you pompous idiot, or any other variation of the word "no." In fact, impossible as it may seem, I believe she said "yes." _

_You'll excuse me as I have a dance of glee to join.  
_

* * *

_ A/N: Yes, I am going to reveal just how Mr. Prongs got his date with Ms. Evans, so don't touch that dial! Tune in next chapter -- yeah, okay, I'm done. :) _

_Please let me know what you thought, and thanks for reading. _


	6. Six Epilogue

_A/N: I know this took a phenomenally long time, so I'm sorry about that. / But on the bright side, here it is, all finished! And I've got a new story coming soon, though not a Marauder Era one. It's going to be the story of the Goblet of Fire with Angelina as the Hogwarts champion. Should be interesting. : )__  
_

_Also, as a quick sidenote: if you go to my profile and click homepage (or website...whatever that link says!) you'll be taken to my LJ, which is where I'll be doing reviewer replies for this upcoming story, as well as giving news and maybe even sneak peeks, depending on interest. I've always wanted to be able to do reviewer replies. :D So if you're interested you can check that out. _

_And now without further ado, the Scientific Report of Sirius Black. : )_

* * *

_The Scientific Report of Sirius Black, Filed With Himself on the 28th of November_

I believe it is time I brought these scientific musings to a close. What with my remarkably accurate hypotheses and stunning good looks, I'm sure they will be forever remembered and idolized by posterity. But wait, you desperate fans are crying, you can't leave us now! What about Prongs' date? What about Lily's state of shock? Did she slap him silly? End up in the hospital wing?

No, in fact, she got some Butterbeer with him in the Three Broomsticks, and they have plans to do it again next weekend.

_Padfoot your stunning good looks aren't exactly evident through "scientific" reports. _

Ah, but you do admit I have them.

_No._

You just --

_No. _

Moony, this is a monumental announcement I have to make -- you're not making any sense.

_I've given up on that. It was a losing battle anyway, spending as much time as I do with you and James. _

Good lord. Prongs, I think Moony's finally gone round the bend!

It will be noted here for the record that I yelled this last bit as well as wrote it on the parchment, and Prongs simply grinned and said something about the adorable bend in that one strand of Lily's hair that comes out of its bun sometimes.

Not just one, but two Marauders have succumbed to insanity.

I see nothing to do but join them.

However before I do so, I must draw my scientific conclusions, as is befitting a solemn, somber, serious, and seriously good looking scientist such as myself.

Ahem.

_Merlin's beard Padfoot, when some poor first year finds this, years hence --_

He shall aspire to become like me and all of Hogwarts will honor him as is befitting his lofty and worthwhile ambitions.

Oh hell Moony that's more of your vocabulary.

_Trust me, I've never said that. That was all yours._

Damn it.

_Situation and Problem_

_Situation: _For the past six and a third years, Mr. James Potter, alias Prongs, alias hopelessly and ridiculously in love prat, had been inquiring as to Miss. Lily Evans' frame of mind regarding their sharing a Butterbeer in Hogsmeade. For the past six and a third years, Miss. Lily Evans had been declining. Violently. There were numerous memorable incidents, including the Lake Incident, the Giant Squid Incident, (those two incidents were rather intimately related), the Snivellus Snape Incident (a rather recurring incident), the Charms Homework Incident, the Overdue Library Book Incident, the Green Hair Incident (it matched her eyes quite well really) --

_Sirius that was you, not James._

Was it really? And here I've been attributing it to Jamsie-Poo all these years.

_I don't really ask much of you Sirius. I let you copy my notes. I don't dock points from you half of the times I should. I never told that Ravenclaw girl what happened to her favorite pair of socks. But if you ever, ever say Jamsie-Poo again --_

Right. Got it. Drawing the line.

_Please._

Moving on, there was, to finish, the Bright Yellow Singing and Exploding Flower Incident (one of the more memorable, I must admit). And after all these, there was finally an incident instigated by Miss. Lily Evans herself -- the Humongous Head Incident, one that shall be remembered forevermore in Hogwarts lore.

_You're rhyming. _

Shut up Moony, or I'll say it again.

_I swear to Merlin Padfoot --_

Right. Line's been drawn.

Anyway, back to the Situation, which I'm afraid got a bit lost against reminisces of the halcyon days of yore, after the Humongous Head Incident, Mr. James Potter spent a three days straight in the library and I narrowly escaped a sad death by explosion.

_Sirius --_

I'm explaining the situation Remus! Stop stealing the parchment!

_I just want to set the record straight, if we're going to have a record._

Go write your own record!

_In the interests of this record, Padfoot just stuck out his tongue. Mature._

Why thank you!

Now, the Situation. Merlin Moony, stop interrupting my highly scientific recording.

Actually, I suppose that is the entire situation. So.

_The Problem: _Well, rather obviously, Mr. James Potter's head was about three times the size it ought to have been, and while this was amusing, and an excellent icebreaker at parties, it was, one imagines, getting just a tad annoying for the aforementioned Mr. Potter. So.

_Materials and Procedure_

_Materials:_

-- one literally swell-headed James Potter

-- one bemused and irritated Lily Evans

-- several hundred fascinated onlookers

-- one dashing, handsome, charming, witty, and extremely perceptive best friend, otherwise known as Sirius Black

_Procedure:_

1. Have Mr. Potter walk over to Miss. Evans as she serves herself porridge.

2. Have her say something along the lines of, "Honestly Potter, I think this rather suits you."

3. Have a dejected and rather humiliated James admit that he cannot deflate his head, for all his trying. Have him add something about her amazing skill with Engorgement Charms. Poor smitten sod.

4. Have aforementioned dashing, handsome, charming, witty, and extremely perceptive friend say, "For Merlin's sake Evans he's spent three days straight in the bloody library!"

5. Have Lily gape, open-mouthed. Have her drop her porridge spoon onto the table. Have her point a rather shaky finger. Have her say, "James? Spent three days in the library?"

6. Have the dashing, handsome, charming, witty, and extremely perceptive friend press his advantage by remarking, "Studying no less. _Researching._ Wouldn't bloody well stop for three days!"

7. Have Lily stare for a few more seconds and then mutter something to herself about maturity, responsibility, and an actual attention span.

8. Have James look vaguely hopeful and say, "I say, Evans, come to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday?"

9. Have Lily stare, something she is becoming rather adept at (adept? I'm going to throttle Moony when I'm done writing this highly scientific report).

10. Have her say, quite weakly, "Oh alright Potter."

11. Perform a dance of glee.

_Conclusion and Notes_

_Conclusion:_

It is rather obvious at this point that James and Lily, however odd it is, are, at least for the moment, _coupled_. That is to say, they've somehow managed to not kill each other. Yet. It's really a far more impressive feat on Lily's part. On James' part the daunting task is not falling all over himself when she's in the immediate vicinity. Sad that a Marauder should fall so far.

Oh well. Inevitable I suppose. It'll be Moony next.

_I highly doubt it._

A true Marauder Moony.

Wish it'd be me next.

Keep dreaming Wormtail.

_Padfoot!_

Right. Sorry. That Hufflepuff girl doesn't hate you or think you're a complete twat you know. That's a step in the right direction, as long as you don't get stuck in that knight's armor again.

Thanks?

And don't forget the all-important acronym.

I already have.

Hell. So have I. Did you write it down Moony?

_Padfoot, why in the name of all things good, holy, and chocolate, would I write down your ridiculous acronym?_

I don't know. You seem to write down everything else.

**What are we talking about?**

James! Prongsie! Jamsie --

_Sirius!_

Right, right.

Acronyms.

Wormtail, what are you talking about?

Acronyms. We're talking about acronyms. James asked.

Right. Um. Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

_Every Good Boy Does Fine._

Just A Minute, Elation Seems Prominent. Oh The Terrific Enigmatic Ravishing Helpful Adorable Sweet Admirable Darling Amiable Tremendous Enviable Wondrous Incredible Tall Honorable Lily Is Lovely You...Understand?

Prongs, with all due respect, you frighten me.

What does that SAY?

_James Potter has a date with Lily...u. You know, if you'd said "yes" instead of you, it would have actually worked. _

**I'm afraid that implies there's some question about the matter Moony. Unacceptable.**

Right. Let's go find a Smelly Nasty Awful Putrid Evil student and think of something creative to suspend him from.

_If you two take this even one step to far Padfoot..._

Oh relax Moony. It's us! You've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

_I'm going to go lie down in my bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend you don't exist._

Brilliant. Glad we both have a plan.

* * *

_A/N: Love it? Hate it? Still dizzy from that frighteningly long acronym (I am)? Tell me all about it! Please let me know what you thought of the story. And thanks so much to everybody who's reviewed. This is the most reviews I've ever received for a story, and they've often made my day. Thank you so much. : )_


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